Chapter 8. Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Fox (*But Were Afraid To Ask)

• The red fox (vulpes vulpes) is the single most widespread and abundant wild carnivore on the planet, existing virtually everywhere except “Iceland, the Arctic islands, some parts of Siberia, or in extreme deserts.” No species of fox capable of human speech is known to exist anywhere, however.

• It has been said that a fox’s hearing is sharp enough so as to be capable of hearing a watch ticking from forty yards away. Additionally, the typical fox hits the snooze button an average of 2.3 times per wakeup.

• A red fox can live for up to 20 years, by which time he/she is really just hitting his/her prime.

• Aesop fable: The Fox Who Had Lost His [CENSORED] A fox caught in a trap escaped, but in so doing lost his [CENSORED]. Thereafter, feeling his life a burden from the shame and ridicule to which he was exposed, he schemed to convince all the other Foxes that being [CENSORED]-less was much more attractive, thus making up for his own deprivation.

He assembled a good many foxes and publicly advised them to cut off their [CENSORED], saying that they would not only look much better without them, but that they would get rid of the weight ... which was a very great inconvenience.

One of them interrupting him said, "If you had not yourself lost your [CENSORED], my friend, you would not thus counsel us."

• Sexually speaking, the red fox is nearly unique among the animal kingdom in terms of child-rearing duties and living arrangements. Though the fox often mates in monogamous couples, males often co-habitate with two females. Oftentimes, one female is a non-breeder who shares the den, assists in the raising of cubs, and participates in, ahem, all other activities.

Finally, even though the male fox may be polygamous at home – where he is the only adult male, no less – he may still seek further mating possibilities elsewhere. Damn.

• The first foxes in America were brought by Maryland colonial governor Robert Brooke, Sr. who brought some two dozen of the little buggers from England. Brooke was quite the fox himself, producing fifteen pups with two wives and you can bet he kept at least one of his seven maidservants busy like that, too.

• The word for “fox” in Esperian is “vulpo.” The diminutive form would therefore be “vulpi.”